Essential Tips on What Not to Say to Someone in Recovery
Supporting someone in recovery can be challenging, especially when it comes to finding the right words. Sometimes, even well-meant phrases can come across as unhelpful or even hurtful, despite our best intentions. Knowing what not to say to someone in recovery can make all the difference in helping them feel understood and respected.
Whether it’s avoiding assumptions or sidestepping certain sensitive topics, being mindful of our words can create a more supportive environment. Here’s a look at common phrases to avoid and what you can say instead to show genuine care.
Examples of What Not to Say and Why
Navigating conversations with someone in recovery requires empathy and understanding. Certain phrases, even if well-intentioned, can be hurtful or discouraging to someone working hard on their journey. Here are some common statements to avoid, along with explanations of why they may have a negative impact.
1. “Why can’t you just have one?”
Why to Avoid It: This phrase implies that the individual should have control over their intake and may downplay the seriousness of addiction. Recovery often means avoiding triggers completely, and suggesting they “just have one” undermines the effort they’re making to stay sober.
2. “You don’t seem like someone with that problem.”
Why to Avoid It: This comment can be harmful as it reinforces stereotypes about addiction and implies that the person doesn’t fit a “typical” profile of someone with an addiction. It may also make them feel invalidated, as if their struggle isn’t real or visible enough to matter.
3. “I miss the old you.”
Why to Avoid It: Saying this can make the person feel guilty about changing or improving themselves. Recovery often involves personal transformation, and by expressing a longing for their “old self,” you may unintentionally suggest that they were better off before, which can be demotivating.
4. “Do you think you’ll ever be ‘normal’ again?”
Why to Avoid It: This phrase can imply that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them or that they’re “broken.” It’s often a triggering statement, suggesting that their journey toward sobriety is a failure unless it leads to some version of “normalcy.”
5. “You must have great willpower.”
Why to Avoid It: While this may seem like a compliment, it oversimplifies the recovery process by framing it as a matter of sheer willpower. Recovery often requires a lot more than just willpower; it involves community support, therapy, and sometimes medical intervention. This comment can make them feel like their struggle is not being fully recognized.
6. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”
Why to Avoid It: Asking this may come across as doubting their ability to stay strong in recovery, which can be discouraging. Instead of offering genuine support, it may leave them feeling like they constantly need to prove their stability to others.
7. “Everyone slips up sometimes.”
Why to Avoid It: While intended to be comforting, this comment can be interpreted as permission to relapse. Recovery requires a strong commitment, and while slip-ups can happen, it’s not helpful to imply that a lapse in progress is inevitable.
8. “It must be so hard for you.”
Why to Avoid It: Acknowledging their struggles is fine, but this comment can feel pitying. Rather than helping, it may make them feel patronized or as though they’re defined solely by their recovery challenges.
9. “But you’re doing so well!”
Why to Avoid It: While it’s important to acknowledge progress, this statement can sometimes sound dismissive if they’re struggling. It can feel as though their current emotions are being minimized, leaving them reluctant to open up about any difficulties they’re still facing.
10. “I’d never guess you had a problem.”
Why to Avoid It: Similar to the idea of reinforcing stereotypes, this phrase suggests they don’t look or act the part of someone in recovery, which can make them feel alienated. It’s also a reminder that addiction isn’t always visible, and implying otherwise can feel invalidating.
11. “When will you be back to normal?”
Why to Avoid It: This implies that recovery has an endpoint or that they’ll return to who they were before. Recovery is often a lifelong process, and expecting them to revert to a former self can be dismissive of their progress and the changes they’re embracing.
12. “It’s just a phase, right?”
Why to Avoid It: This phrase can downplay the seriousness of their journey, suggesting that recovery is temporary or just a matter of time. It can make them feel as though their commitment isn’t taken seriously.
13. “I wish I could be as strong as you.”
Why to Avoid It: While meant as a compliment, this can put undue pressure on the person to be strong all the time. It implies that their struggles and setbacks aren’t acceptable, which can discourage them from reaching out when they need support.
14. “So, you can’t even have a little?”
Why to Avoid It: This question can feel insensitive and shows a lack of understanding about addiction. Recovery often involves strict boundaries to avoid relapses, and this question may tempt them or make them feel that their limits are being questioned.
15. “Isn’t that a bit extreme?”
Why to Avoid It: This may be referring to their decision to quit entirely or to avoid certain places, but it can sound judgmental. Recovery strategies are highly personal, and what may seem “extreme” to one person may be essential for another’s success.
16. “Are you really still struggling with this?”
Why to Avoid It: Recovery isn’t linear, and setbacks are common. Questioning their progress in this way can feel like a lack of empathy and patience, and it may discourage them from sharing their experiences.
17. “I had no idea you had a problem!”
Why to Avoid It: This can come across as shocked or judgmental, which may make the person feel ashamed. Recovery often requires vulnerability, and this comment may cause them to feel self-conscious or like they need to defend their past.
18. “Did something bad happen that made you this way?”
Why to Avoid It: Asking for the “why” behind addiction can feel intrusive and imply judgment. Recovery conversations are better focused on their present progress and future, rather than probing into their past experiences.
19. “That’s all in the past now, right?”
Why to Avoid It: This question can be dismissive of the ongoing challenges they may still face in recovery. Just because they’ve stopped using or drinking doesn’t mean they aren’t still working through triggers or emotional hurdles.
20. “Can’t you just have fun without drinking?”
Why to Avoid It: This question can seem condescending or imply that their decision to abstain is unnecessary. Many people in recovery find new ways to enjoy life, and this question may downplay the difficulty of managing triggers in social settings.
21. “What’s the big deal about staying sober?”
Why to Avoid It: This can feel dismissive of the effort they put into their recovery. Recovery from addiction is often one of the hardest challenges a person can face, and minimizing it may make them feel unsupported.
22. “I don’t understand how people can get addicted.”
Why to Avoid It: This comment, even if genuine, can feel judgmental or imply that addiction is a choice rather than a complex condition. It may make them feel misunderstood or like they need to justify their experience.
23. “I’d never let myself get to that point.”
Why to Avoid It: This is one of the most judgmental statements, implying that addiction is a matter of weak character or poor choices. It’s dismissive and may make the person feel shame rather than support.
24. “You were so much more fun before.”
Why to Avoid It: Like similar comments, this one can make the person feel as though they’ve lost a part of themselves. It implies that their commitment to recovery has made them “less than,” which can be deeply discouraging.
25. “At least it’s better than other addictions.”
Why to Avoid It: This is dismissive and creates a hierarchy of addiction severity. It downplays their challenges and implies that some addictions are more valid or worthy of attention than others.
26. “Just stay positive!”
Why to Avoid It: While positivity can be helpful, this phrase may feel overly simplistic. Recovery is hard work and sometimes involves dark or difficult moments, and this comment may make them feel invalidated if they’re struggling.
27. “Will you ever be able to drink again?”
Why to Avoid It: This can sound as if you’re doubting their choice to stay sober or as though sobriety is a temporary state. This question can also tempt or pressure them to consider future scenarios they’d rather avoid.
28. “I didn’t know it was that serious.”
Why to Avoid It: This can come off as dismissive or like you’re questioning the reality of their struggle. It may make the person feel that their situation isn’t being taken seriously, which can lead to feelings of shame or frustration.
29. “Can’t you just focus on something else?”
Why to Avoid It: This suggests that recovery is just a matter of distraction, minimizing the complexity of addiction. Recovery often involves deep, personal work, and implying that they simply need a “new focus” can feel trivializing.
30. “I had an aunt who struggled with addiction, too.”
Why to Avoid It: While sharing similar experiences can sometimes be helpful, this can shift the focus away from the person’s own story. It may feel like you’re comparing or overshadowing their journey with someone else’s.
31. “So, you’re not even going to toast at the wedding?”
Why to Avoid It: This can make them feel pressured to conform in social situations, even if it means compromising their boundaries. It may also make them feel singled out, as though their decision to abstain is abnormal.
32. “It’s not that hard, is it?”
Why to Avoid It: This phrase can be hurtful, as it dismisses the effort and challenges of recovery. Recovery can be incredibly difficult, and minimizing their journey might make them feel misunderstood or unsupported.
33. “You don’t look like someone in recovery.”
Why to Avoid It: Addiction and recovery do not have a “look,” and suggesting otherwise reinforces stereotypes. This comment can feel invalidating, as though the person’s struggle isn’t as real or serious as that of others.
34. “So you can’t handle bars anymore?”
Why to Avoid It: This question can feel like a judgment on their social abilities. Many people in recovery avoid environments that may trigger cravings, and suggesting they “can’t handle” certain places may feel dismissive.
35. “What does your family think about it?”
Why to Avoid It: Bringing up family opinions can be intrusive and may imply judgment. For many, family reactions to addiction are sensitive topics, and pressing for details can be uncomfortable.
36. “What exactly are you in recovery for?”
Why to Avoid It: This question can feel invasive, as it probes into the person’s specific struggles. Recovery is often deeply personal, and not everyone wants to share the details of what they’re overcoming.
37. “I can drink around you, right?”
Why to Avoid It: This can put them in a tough spot, where they feel pressured to be okay with something that may make them uncomfortable. It’s best to let them set boundaries on what they’re comfortable with in social situations.
38. “I hope this doesn’t make you feel awkward.”
Why to Avoid It: Though seemingly polite, this phrase can actually make someone feel more self-conscious. It highlights their recovery as a potential “issue,” putting them in a position to reassure you rather than just enjoying the moment.
39. “How long do you have to do this?”
Why to Avoid It: This question can make it sound like recovery is a temporary task or that they’ll “graduate” from it at some point. Recovery is often a lifelong process, and implying it has an end date can be discouraging or feel dismissive.
40. “I didn’t know you were still dealing with that.”
Why to Avoid It: This comment implies that the person should be “over it” by now, which can feel invalidating. Recovery is not a quick fix, and each individual progresses at their own pace.
41. “I didn’t realize you were that bad.”
Why to Avoid It: This judgmental phrase can add to feelings of shame and stigma, suggesting that they should feel guilty for how far their addiction went. It’s better to focus on their progress, not their past.
42. “Are you allowed to take medication?”
Why to Avoid It: This is a personal question that can feel intrusive, especially since some people in recovery may take medication for mental health or medical reasons. Commenting on their treatment methods can feel like overstepping.
43. “Isn’t recovery mostly about going to meetings?”
Why to Avoid It: While meetings are a common part of recovery, this comment can oversimplify their efforts. Recovery involves a broad range of strategies, including lifestyle changes, therapy, and personal reflection.
44. “Aren’t you overreacting a bit?”
Why to Avoid It: Suggesting that someone is overreacting undermines their experience and minimizes their efforts. Each person’s path in recovery is unique, and what may seem unnecessary to one person can be crucial to another.
45. “What exactly do you do in recovery?”
Why to Avoid It: Asking for details about their recovery process can be invasive and may make them feel scrutinized. It’s better to focus on offering support than to dig into specifics unless they offer that information.
Alternative Phrases to Show Support
Using supportive language with someone in recovery helps reinforce that they’re not alone and that they have people who genuinely care about their progress. Replacing potentially hurtful or dismissive phrases with these supportive alternatives shows that you respect their journey and are there to offer encouragement without judgment. Here are some examples of phrases that can help convey empathy and understanding.
1. “I’m here if you need anything.”
Why It’s Supportive: This phrase is simple yet effective, letting the person know they can rely on you without pressuring them to open up. It’s an open-ended offer of support that respects their autonomy, showing that you’re available without imposing your presence.
When to Use It: This phrase is ideal for when they’re going through a tough time but may not want to talk about it. It provides reassurance without pushing them to share.
2. “I’m proud of the work you’re doing.”
Why It’s Supportive: Recovery is often a difficult, ongoing process, and hearing words of encouragement can help validate their effort. This phrase acknowledges their hard work, making them feel seen and appreciated for their commitment to recovery.
When to Use It: Use this when they share a milestone, big or small, or when they seem discouraged. Reminding them of their progress can give them a boost in moments when they need it.
3. “How can I support you?”
Why It’s Supportive: Instead of assuming what they need, this phrase empowers them to communicate their specific preferences and boundaries. It demonstrates a willingness to help on their terms and respects their knowledge of what works best for them in recovery.
When to Use It: This is a great phrase to use when they’re navigating a challenging moment, as it allows them to voice their needs and know you’re willing to meet them where they are.
4. “You’re not alone in this.”
Why It’s Supportive: Recovery can be isolating, especially during setbacks. This phrase offers a reminder that they have people who care and that they don’t have to face their journey in solitude.
When to Use It: This can be particularly comforting during low points when they may feel discouraged or disconnected. It reassures them that they have a support network to lean on.
5. “I believe in you.”
Why It’s Supportive: Expressing faith in their ability to overcome challenges can help build their confidence and resilience. Recovery requires immense strength, and hearing that someone believes in them can remind them of their own potential.
When to Use It: This phrase is encouraging when they’re facing a particularly challenging phase in recovery, reminding them that they have people who believe in their progress.
6. “It’s okay to take it one day at a time.”
Why It’s Supportive: Recovery can feel overwhelming, and this phrase encourages them to focus on manageable steps rather than the entire journey at once. It emphasizes patience and compassion, both of which are essential in long-term recovery.
When to Use It: This phrase is ideal when they express frustration about progress or feel pressured to meet certain expectations. It serves as a gentle reminder to approach recovery with self-compassion.
7. “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
Why It’s Supportive: If they share their journey or struggles with you, acknowledging that trust can strengthen your bond. It shows you value their openness and are committed to being a supportive listener.
When to Use It: Use this when they open up about sensitive topics related to their recovery. It reinforces that their vulnerability is met with respect and appreciation.
8. “If you ever need to vent, I’m here to listen.”
Why It’s Supportive: Sometimes, people in recovery need a safe space to express frustrations without receiving advice or judgment. This phrase gives them permission to share their feelings openly, knowing you’ll listen without trying to “fix” the problem.
When to Use It: This phrase is best used during moments when they seem stressed or emotional. It communicates that you’re available to listen without placing pressure on them to share.
9. “Your courage is inspiring.”
Why It’s Supportive: Recovery requires bravery, and acknowledging their courage can boost their confidence and encourage them to keep going. This phrase recognizes the strength it takes to face recovery head-on.
When to Use It: This phrase can be uplifting when they’re feeling vulnerable or uncertain. It helps them see themselves through a positive lens, highlighting the strength they may not always feel.
10. “I’m here to support you however you need.”
Why It’s Supportive: This statement shows flexibility and commitment, allowing them to determine what support looks like. By keeping it open, you make it clear that you’re willing to adjust to their specific needs.
When to Use It: Use this phrase when they’re facing a new challenge or when they may need additional support. It gives them the confidence to ask for help in a way that works for them.
The Importance of Respectful Language and Understanding
When supporting someone in recovery, the language you choose and the understanding you show are crucial. Recovery can be a deeply vulnerable journey, and words have the power to either reinforce someone’s sense of worth and strength or undermine their progress.
Respectful language demonstrates that you acknowledge their commitment and are sensitive to their experience, while understanding builds trust and shows that you are genuinely invested in their well-being.
1. Respectful Language Reinforces Their Identity Beyond Recovery
Language can help the person feel valued for who they are, not just as someone in recovery. Phrases that affirm their progress, like “I’m proud of the hard work you’re putting in,” remind them that their efforts are seen and respected. This helps them feel that they’re not defined solely by their recovery journey and encourages them to embrace a more positive self-image.
On the other hand, stigmatizing or overly casual language around addiction can make them feel isolated or misjudged. Words matter deeply in shaping someone’s perception of themselves and in reducing the shame often associated with addiction. Respectful language reinforces that they are more than their challenges and fosters a supportive environment where they feel safe and understood.
2. Understanding Fosters Empathy and Encourages Open Communication
Demonstrating understanding, rather than judgment, helps build an empathetic connection. Listening without interruption, avoiding assumptions, and asking thoughtful questions only when invited show that you’re there to support them, not to “fix” them. Recovery can be isolating, and your understanding can provide a sense of connection that helps alleviate feelings of loneliness.
When someone feels understood, they are more likely to open up about their struggles, fears, and victories. This trust can make a world of difference, providing them with a safe space to express themselves without fear of judgment. With this open line of communication, you can be a meaningful source of support throughout their journey, helping them feel less alone.
3. Respect and Understanding Promote a Lasting Positive Impact
Choosing respectful language and approaching them with genuine understanding doesn’t just impact one conversation—it builds a foundation of lasting support. Recovery is often a lifelong process, and having people who respect their journey without stigma or criticism helps them sustain their efforts over time.
By consciously using supportive language and maintaining an empathetic approach, you contribute positively to their self-worth and resilience. This ongoing support can help reinforce their commitment to recovery and provide a sense of stability that is invaluable as they work through challenges.
Ultimately, respectful language and understanding aren’t just gestures; they’re acts of compassion that can empower someone to continue their journey with confidence.
